me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
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Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”