Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
You sure about that?