Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
You Might Also Like
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.