If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.