“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You Might Also Like
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
We found love in a hopeless place.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”