Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
#Caturday
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.