If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either