I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
How times have changed.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Sponch
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
kitchen magnet
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”