Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You Might Also Like
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Digital security in Ancient Troy
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.