[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
podcasts
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks