Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
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“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
How did we not see this back then?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.