[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
This is hilarious….
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
White parent Vs Arab parents
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder