I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.