*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
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“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.