My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
mariah carrie
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.