Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
It’s the weekend y’all
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I