me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.