I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.