Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
man i love columbo
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*