HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
You Might Also Like
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
That’s enough internet for the day
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?