How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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Every time.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
smh
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night