Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
sigh
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁