Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
You Might Also Like
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.