We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
You Might Also Like
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Guantanamo Bae
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: