[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
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Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.