[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.