BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me as a therapist: omg same
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.