Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
You Might Also Like
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’m being attacked 😭
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’