*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many