Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
You Might Also Like
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
The days of good grammer has went
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting