My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Running from your problems is cardio .
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”