I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water