Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?