There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
“That’s what” – She
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.