Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.