Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry