[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*