Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
this is funnier than any friends episode
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.