America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Pretty much. 🤣
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.