[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
WHY?!
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Fiction has to make sense.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.