First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
man i love columbo
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!