an airline just for babies.
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
fly smarter, not harder
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.