Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
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I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it