All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.