Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Netflix: We have Less
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more