Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?