Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Stick it to the man
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Happy birthday to all the women
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh