[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“What?”
– Jude
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?