I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Confused owl: What?!
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Just parrot things
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks