Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this